i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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