im drinking this country out of the recession.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
