Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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