Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
