fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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