arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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