I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
