he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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