DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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