piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize