please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
