just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
