Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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