you mean i was at the winter classic?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
