Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
