I was born with a shot glass in my hand
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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