fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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