the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
