I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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