Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
