I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
