I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
