eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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