I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
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We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
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the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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