Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
