I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
