I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
