Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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