This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
