Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
