I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
organizing the empties. That sober.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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