I accidentally had phone sex last night
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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