I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
