Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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