Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
