Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
