its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Never let your siblings swipe right.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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