just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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