im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
