my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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