I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Randomize
