I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
