I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
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The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
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We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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