haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
