I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
