We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
