Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
