you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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