That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
