There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
