he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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