I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
These tits shall not be calmed
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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