I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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