Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
