OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
