I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
