yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I want is dick and wine.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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