Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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