I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You brought string cheese to the strip club
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
